Severus Snape vs The Bank of England
by Zabby Perno
Summary: A parody based on a joke...that sort of actually happened to someone. I still have the original joke. What happens when Severus Snape butts heads with the Bank of England? Will said bank get away without being cursed to within an inch of their lives?


Severus Snape, husband of one Lily Evans Snape, knew that it was time to check the mail at Godric's Hallow, where Lily and her fake-husband, James, lived.

Little Harry, his son, sat on his hip. "Daddy? Where are we going?"

Severus looked at his son. "We're going to pick up your grandpa, remember?"

Harry smiled sleepily up at his father. "Okay... Is Grampy Toby coming with us?"

The youngest Potions Master in England resisted the urge to bash his head against a random wall. He really couldn't do that if he wanted his son to grow up in a semi-decent atmosphere. And his sister-in-law, Petunia, could be counted on to raise her own son... But raising a wizarding child? God help them all. "Yes, Harry. We're going to pick up your 'Grampy Toby'."

The two-year-old clapped his hands. "Yay! Grampy Toby!"

Severus walked up the drive next to his own house. Severus and Harry normally were living at Hogwarts, so Spinner's End was hardly occupied. Sure, Tobias Snape, Severus's father took care of the grounds for his son, but the inside was left untouched. He knocked on the door. "Dad!" he called out. "It's me!"

"Go away! I'm not interested!"

"Grampy! It's me!"

Tobias opened the door. "Well, if it isn't my own little scamp!" he said joyfully. Harry reached for his grandfather and Severus was actually quite happy to hand his son, who was actually quite heavy, off to his father.

Unfortunately for Tobias, or fortunately for Severus, Harry had gained some weight that he had lost when he had been sick back. "Oomph. Scamp, you weigh a ton!" Tobias over-exaggerated.

The little boy giggled. "Not a _ton_ Grampy!"

Tobias looked as if he were considering this. "Well... Not a _ton_..."

Severus rolled his eyes at this exchange. It was almost a ritual by now... "Dad, we've really got to move on this one. I need to get over to Godric's Hallow to take care of some of the things that Lily and James left behind. So, if we could go..."

Tobias raised a blonde eyebrow at his son. "Oh, fine. Ready to go, scamp?"

Was it in the job description of all grandfathers to spoil their grandchildren rotten? Severus remembered that Lily's father, Henry Evans, did just the same thing. In all reality, it was too bad that Henry and Calantha had died in an attack on Muggle London when Voldemort had attacked it.

Tobias and Harry gripped Severus's arm as the Potion's Master spun on his heel, picturing Godric's Hallow. Once there, Tobias staggered a step before regaining his balance. "Bloody hell... I really hate Apparition..."

Severus snatched his son back. "Dad! Language!"

Tobias glanced at Harry, who was looking around unconcernedly.

Snape walked over to the mailbox that had, amazingly, stood. He opened it and let his jaw drop onto the ground. Lily and James's mailbox was overflowing with mail... "Crap...eth," he hissed, remembering that his son was sitting on his hip.

He said, "Hey, Dad, come here. We're going into the part of the house that wasn't destroyed." Tobias was looking around.

"Coming."

The blond ex-soldier strolled up. Severus said, "I really hope their phone works..."

The three Snapes sat at the kitchen table. Severus spread all the mail out. One bill in particular stood out to him. It was a bill from the Bank of England. He opened it. A balance of...120 pounds?

He walked over to the phone and dialed the number. Oh, how he thanked every god and goddess out there that he had grown up Muggle. He finally got through to and operator. "I am calling to tell you that Lily and James Potter died back in October of last year."

The female on the other line said, "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Severus sighed. This was going to be a long telephone call... "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."

The woman said, "Since it's been four months past, I'm sure it already has been."

"So what will they do when they find out the Potter's are dead?"

He could almost hear the other woman shrug. "Either report their account to frauds division or report them to the credit bureau... Maybe both!"

Tobias looked at his son as his grandson was doodling on some paper that Tobias had scrounged up. Harry was having fun drawing things, so Tobias left it at that. He mouthed, "What's going on, Sev?"

His son covered the mouthpiece and said, "I'll tell you in a minute." To the woman on the other end, he said, "Do you think that God will be mad at her?"

The woman gasped, "Excuse me?"

Severus was _very_ tempted to bang his head on the closest wall... But that would be a bad example to Harry... No, he couldn't do that. Why on earth did he even bring his son? Why didn't he just have Tobias keep him at his place? Or better yet, dump him on the Weasleys for a few hours? Surely Molly wouldn't notice one more... "Did you just get what I was telling you? The part about James and Lily being dead?"

The woman said, hesitatingly, "Sir, you'll have to speak with my supervisor..."

As the elevator music played in Sev's ear, his father said, "Sev, what happened?"

"Bloody Bank of bloody England. Bloody idiots who don't bloody know what to bloody do when someone bloody died and can't pay their bloody bills! Bloody flaming hell!"

Tobias blinked. "Sev. Language."

The elevator music stopped. "Sir? This is Mr. McGoo."

Severus said, "Yes, I'm calling to tell you that James and Lily Potter died back in January with a balance of zero pounds."

Mr. McGoo said, "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

The Potions Master fairly growled, "You mean to collect from their estate?"

The supervisor, or stupidvisor as Severus was quickly beginning to think of the man, stammered quickly, "A-are you th-their lawyer?"

"No. I'm her ex-husband."

Mr. McGoo said, "C-could you f-fax us a certificate of death?"

Severus waved his wand and created two death certificates, one for James and one for Lily. "Yes." He banished the certificates to the Bank of England's fax machine.

The man came back on the line. "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help..."

"_You can close the bloody account!"_ Severus hissed in his head. Out loud, he said cheerily, "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing them! They won't care."

Harry looked up, shocked. Who the heck was that man, and what had he done with his father? Tobias really blinked. Who the hell was the man on the other end, and how the hell had he pissed his son off this bad?

The man said, "Well, the late fees and charges will still apply."

Severus's thought was, _"What the bloody hell is wrong with these people?"_ But he didn't say that. He said, "Would you like their new billing address?"

Mr. McGoo seemed to cheer up at that. "That might help!"

"Godric's Hallow Memorial Cemetery, Godric's Hallow, Plot number 77."

Mr. McGoo screeched, "But, sir! That's a cemetery!"

Severus growled, "And what do you do with dead people on your planet?"

Tobias figured it was a good time to get his grandson out of the room. He ushered Harry out and poked his head back in, to see Severus slamming the phone down. "Son?"

"They're closing the bloody freaking account."

Tobias nodded. "Remind me never to go with the Bank of England..."

"You do, I kill you for your idiocy."

* * *

><p>Okay, yeah, this stemmed from a joke that a friend of mine sent me a few years ago. This was written about a year ago and it was never betaed. It was however, rejected from Potions and Snitches. Keep in mind this is a parody and not to be taken anywhere near cannon. Read and Review please?<p> 


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